Why You Should Take a Break from Dating After Ending a Serious Relationship

Objects in motion stay in motion. In other words, an object in motion will not change velocity until a force acts upon it. This law governs our physical world, but it also plays out in our relationships. 

People need connection and will continue to pursue connection with others until an unstoppable force drives them to a halt. Like a breakup. 

Interrupting forward momentum requires discomfort. We slam on the brakes. We brace for impact. Ultimately, we have two options: come to a complete stop and reroute our course, or keep barreling ahead straight into destruction. 

When a relationship ends, many of us want to avoid the discomfort of halting because it takes too much effort or feels like it’s holding us back from our goals. 

In reality, disrupting your momentum is necessary when the course you’re on isn’t leading you to where you want to go. We’ve heard it a million times–insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting a different result. If we want to create the same dynamic again, we can just let momentum carry us forward as we were. Or, we can take the opportunity to slow down and route our course towards something different.  

Taking time to pause after a significant relationship isn’t about white-knuckling your way into being alone. It’s an intentional, contemplative time where you reflect on where you’ve just come from, how you got there, and where you’re going. 

This break isn’t determined by a certain amount of time, but rather by the intention we put into it. 

If you’re currently experiencing the discomfort of being alone and feel the fire in you to seek connection, it can be hard to cultivate purpose in your pause and not just feel like you’re waiting the clock out before it’s acceptable to keep moving forward. 

You may hear paltry encouragement like, “just take time to focus on you” or “time heals all wounds.” But none of this advice provides any clear direction on how to heal and feel ready to move on. 

While it is an ongoing journey, healing is also a very specific process. When approached intentionally, it can actually flow much more quickly. 

If you’re looking to heal in a way that’s effective and lasting, here’s what you need to do (in this order): 

Conduct a Relationship Retro

In the business world, we often have debriefs or retros after a big project to determine what worked and what didn’t. Relationships should be no different. 

On your own, use a critical eye to evaluate what worked in your last relationship, what didn’t, and why. It can be easy to gravitate towards ruminating on everything your partner did wrong, but that perspective misses the mark. Focusing on your partner ultimately generates frustration because it hands control of your feelings and circumstances back over to another person. We expect validation, an apology, answers–all of which places us in a state of scarcity and desperation. 

Instead, the key to successful reflection is to look inward at yourself and identify what you have control over. How did you show up in the relationship? What energy did you contribute to the dynamic? Where did you mess up and how could you have done better? What state did you leave your partner in after the relationship? What parts of yourself did you see in this relationship that you’re not proud of and how can you work on maturing them moving forward? Consider the areas that are within your control, and invest all your energy into improving yourself rather than changing someone else.

It takes courage to acknowledge the places we messed up, the ways we may have failed our partner. It’s painful to gaze upon our own shortcomings. But it’s necessary for growth. We have to realize and accept that our actions do have an impact on others, and we must take responsibility for them instead of casting blame on external circumstances or people. 

Decide what to hold onto and what to let go of

During your debrief, it’s also important to reflect on the type of relationship you had. What did you love? What was draining? Which parts do you know you can’t live without moving forward? 

Once we are able to see and accept our own contributions to the relationship, then we have to decide what to let go of and what to hold onto. 

Hold onto the insight you gained about yourself and the motivation you now have to grow. 

Hold onto the positive memories you were able to create with someone you cared about. 

Hold onto the life-giving dynamic that drew you into the type of relationship that you know you want to find again some day. 

Hold onto the high regard you had at one point in time for the person you were committed to. 

Hold onto the beauty of connection that was created when you were able to step into vulnerability. 

Release the weight

And then let go. 

Let go of the disappointment in yourself for not showing up how you should have. 

Let go of the resentment towards the person for not being who you wanted them to be. 

Let go of the anger you feel for how they mistreated you. 

Let go of the dream you had of a life with this person. 

Let go of the idea of who you thought the person was and the hope you had that they would change.

Let go of the blame you’re casting on the other person for messing things up, or on yourself for staying. 

A relationship is never wasted. If you choose to toss all of it aside, you’re missing the important lessons it has for you. Cherish the good, carry the lessons into the future, and release the weight of your pain, disappointment, and grief. In other words, forgive. 

Forgiveness is freedom–for you. It’s not erasing the past, it’s releasing the bad and cherishing the good. It unloads the weight of bitterness and unleashes the power of hope. 

If you want to move faster, release the weight. Forgiveness allows us to kick things into high gear and speed forward with ease, but you still need to determine where you’re going. 

Chart your course 

After taking time to recognize your own shortcomings and taking responsibility for what you could have done better, you have now regained control to be able to create a beautiful life for yourself. You identified what fueled you and released the extra weight, but before you get moving you need to chart your course. 

Where are you going? It’s time to get real specific about exactly what you’re looking for in your future. Generally, people focus on traits that they want in their ideal partner. Instead, think about the type of relationship you want, the way you want to feel, the dynamic it will bring in your life. Narrow that down to the most important character traits and values that you’re looking for in a partner (i.e. loyal, driven, honest, reliable, empathetic). And then set that standard as your North Star. Map out your path to the ultimate goal of how you’re going to find, pursue, and grow with this kind of partner, and set some parameters to help you stay on course. What do you need to say no to? What kind of boundaries do you need to have in place to remove distractions? Where can you push yourself more? Who can help keep you accountable in moments of weakness? 

The only way we’re going to be able to get where we want to be is to be zeroed in on our destination. 

Speeding ahead seems like the easier, more practical option. But interrupting your momentum for some time to reflect, take responsibility, release, and reroute will get you where you want to be faster.